Wednesday, December 5, 2007

It all comes down to Respect

I didn't respect her, and I didn't respect myself. That is why it went down how it did.

I didn't respect myself in that I didn't believe that I was enough of a person to be able to get a young woman like her. I knew she was something special, but I felt like I didn't deserve her. In the end I didn't, but that was because of my actions while we were together, not because of who I am as a person. Things worked between us when I respected myself. When I felt like what I was doing, and who I was would be enough to keep her coming back for more, things were great. Then, I started to doubt myself. I didn't think I deserved her, and that any second she'd figure it out and run the other way. So, what did I do? I pushed her. I pushed her emotionally, and physically. I pushed her because I didn't think I was enough to hold on to her. I pushed her because maybe I felt like if we were at a certain point, emotionally, physically, she wouldn't want to leave. I pushed, and I pushed her hard, and I pushed her right out the door. More importantly, I didn't respect her. I didn't respect her emotions. I was selfish, and only thought about what I was feeling. I didn't respect her enough to allow her to make her own decisions about me. I pushed emotionally and physically to try to make her mind up for her, and to make her care for me.

But thats not how it works. You're supposed to put yourself out there, not force someone to come to you. You're supposed to be out there, respecting yourself, being confident enough in who you are as a person that people want to be with you, around you. You're not supposed to push someone to a level that they aren't ready for. Pushing her to that level physically, and emotionally, was one of the worst ways I could have disrespected her, and I did. She didn't run away because of the person I was, but because of the person I became. I respected myself, I respected her, and then it all changed. I began to disrespect myself, and in turn I disrepected her to the point where she left. I have no one to blame but myself.

I can't do much at this point, at least with her. There is probably no way she'd ever be convinced that the person I was, the way I acted, these last weeks was not the person I am. I need to start by getting back to where I was before I met her, especially before we dated. I repected myself. I need to respect myself. I need to respect myself enough that when a girl walks into my life, I know she's there for me and who I am. When that time comes, I need to respect that girl. I need to respect her. I need to respect who she is. I need to respect her emotions.

I need some respect.